6 months...and it hasn't gotten better yet

Alexander Cole Masters

Today marks six months since we have lost my little brother Alex.  I have to honestly say that it hasn't gotten any easier.  Sure, I don't cry as much, but I think it's just because I have run out of tears to cry.  The pain inside hasn't gotten any less and the emptiness is still there, maybe even worse.

I have lost many people in my life, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, and so on.  I have to say that I never knew death could hurt like this though.  Sure, losing my cousin still hurts, I still cry about my grandparents death, and I still get sad when I think about the others that I have lost, but never EVER was it even imaginable to hurt like this!!  Every day is a struggle of emotions!!

Guilt has to be one of the strongest emotions I deal with day to day.  I have so much guilt for so many different reasons.  I have guilt because I wonder if there was something else that I could have done, did we not do or say the right thing that could have helped or changed things?  Probably not, but there's always the what if...  Guilt because I could have been more understanding.  Why did I get so frustrated at times with what he was going through?  Why did I not understand more?  Guilt because I'm still here and he's not.  Guilt because I have gotten to experience so much life, and his was cut so short at such a young age!!

Then there's anger.  Anger because why him?  Why us?  Why did it have to be this way?  Sure, he struggled and there was so much that he had to deal with every day, but a lot of people do and are able to make it through just fine, why him?  Why did God choose him, and why now?  Anger because he deserved to have so much more life, because my parents don't deserve to have to deal with this every second of every day, and anger because now me, my other brother, my sister, and my brother-in-law can't be in a room together or joke around without it being perfectly clear that something is missing!!  Anger because every holiday isn't the same.  Anger because we can't even take pictures anymore because when we look at them, it's just another reminder that we aren't whole and there's someone missing from them!!

But most of all, I'm just sad.  Sad that I lost my brother.  Sad that I won't get anymore hugs.  Sad that I couldn't say goodbye or I love you one last time.  Sad because Truett won't get to know him better.  Sad because from now on, when I meet someone, every story will be, "I wish you knew him" or "you would have really loved him".  Sad because if I ever have another child, they won't know what it was like to have him as an uncle.  Sad because we will never be the same.  Sad because my parents will never be the same.  Sad because I just want my brother back, the good, the bad, and the ugly!!  I just want him back!!!

There is happiness though.  I am happy that at least I had 21 years with him.  I am happy that I know he is with God as an angel in Heaven.  Happy that he is at peace finally.  Happy that I have the memories of him that I do.  Happy that I can still close my eyes and see his shinning smile.  Happy that I knew what it was like to be hugged with so much love and care.  Happy that I was able to tell him how much I loved him one of the last times I talked to him.  But most of all, I am happy because I can say for the rest of my life that I am Alexander Cole's big sister...and that is one things that no one can EVER take from me!!!

I will leave you with this...

Every day counts.  Every day let your loved ones know how much they mean to you.  Every day thank God for the blessings in your life!!  Don't take people for granted, you never know when God may be ready for them.  Embrace every moment and truly take it in.  One day, those moments may be the only thing that gets you through the day!!