**Ok, I am going to start out with a warning, these are my views, feelings, and outlook on things. If you don't agree, that's fine. If you can't relate, don't judge because you aren't in my shoes, and most of all, I AM NOT THROWING A PITY PARTY FOR MYSELF!! I am just getting a few things off my chest, and I hope by putting this on my blog, that maybe someone else who reads this and is feeling the same will realize that they aren't alone either....**
On February 16th, after about 8 or 9 months of separation, my divorce was final. I have to say, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have had so much going on and so many things have happened in that last year, that I hadn't realized the finality of it all. I found myself really sad all of a sudden. A chapter of my life that lasted almost 7 years was gone. In a sense, I lost my identity. For so long I was Jacob's wife, Victoria, Jake, and Truett's mommy, and my students' teacher. That was what my life was, and I was very content for that to be my identity. Well, that wasn't meant to last. Overall, it was a good thing for everyone involved that the marriage came to an end. So why am I so sad?
I have to say, I was handling everything well, until the ex-husband uttered the word that makes every ex-wife's stomach curl, the "g" word....girlfriend!!!! I have to say, when that word came out of his mouth, I felt like the world had crumbled right on top of me! I broke down, and I haven't stopped crying since. Now, I know, if I don't want him, why am I taking this so hard? After a few talks, I was later told that he did not have a girlfriend, but he is dating and...well, you know, getting his needs taken care of...haha!! It still doesn't feel any better. I don't even understand my own reaction to this. I try to analyze why I am reacting this way, and so far this is what I think may be the cause to my complete emotional break.....haha:
1. I don't think I expected it to happen so fast. It brings up all of these inner insecurities. Like, why wasn't I good enough, why is he so fast to move on, what are these other people like, and so on. Women definately take things differently than men. I think women take it personally, when it really doesn't have anything to do with them. I guess I expected (or hoped) that he would have as hard of a time moving on as I was having. But knowing him like I do, I really should have known better than that!!
2. It's not that he's moved on, it's that I haven't gotten the chance to do it also. My life is getting up, getting myself ready, get Tru ready, go to work, come home, clean house, cook dinner, give/take showers, and then go to bed. This is my day, everyday. One evening a week Truett goes to see his dad, and that is on Sundays. I have no real "social" life to speak of unless it is taking Truett to birthday parties or play dates. This really isn't anything new though...I met my ex after only being Arkansas for 1 month. We started dating a month later, and were serious immediately. He had two children that he was raising on his own, so not only did I jump right into a relationship, I jumped right into being a mom. I didn't have time to make friends and such....so now that it's my time to need a "life", where do I start? Sure, during one of our "talks" the ex offered to take Truett so I could go out (not that I can actually count on that happening though), but where would I go, and do people really expect me to go out by myself? Maybe others are able to do that, not this girl! I am way too shy to be able to go somewhere and sit, and just start chatting people up! Anyway, where would I go? I don't drink, I don't party, basically I am out of luck when it comes to this issue! haha!! As fulfilling as it is being Truett's mommy, it's still incredible lonely.
3. My final thought on what could have brought on this rush of emotions is that it really has nothing at all to do with the ex moving on. Anyone who knows me or has read my blog this last year knows that it hasn't been the easiest year for me. This past year my grandmother suddenly passed away, my marriage fell apart, and then I lost my little brother unexpectedly. You add in that I also have a car that decided to break down every other day after my separation, having to deal with the handy work of my house (the one that I lived in with my ex mind you) alone, no longer having the financial stability that I used to have when I was married, my grandfather's failing health and alzheimers getting worse, and so on. I have been very overwhelmed for a while, and I think that it all just hit me at once. I guess the divorce actually being final after so long and hearing the "g" word the same week was the stresser that ultimately led to my little emotional break. I have to admit, that I am one to not talk about what is bothering me, and when I actually blurt out something that is bothering me or getting to me, I feel like a total dork and hate that I let that wall down, I mean, who really wants to hear me woes? I am notorious for bottling things in and and just trying to keep myself busy instead of dealing with things. I know this isn't healthy, but that's how I work....haha! I think I am just grieving over a lot of loss, and I am focusing my pain towards this issue instead of just grieving over everything that has affected me this year.
Like I said, this isn't me having a little pity party for myself ( I actually try to be a bit of a private person), but putting this out there in hopes that someone else reads this, and feels comfort that they aren't alone. Also, even if you can't relate at all, chances are you know someone who may be going through something similar. Maybe this gives you a little insight as to what can go on inside the mind of a single/divorced mom making it on her own. Even if she says she is fine and there is nothing wrong (which is usually a lie...haha) just offer a hug and some support. We all need that comfort and support sometime!
